Sunday, July 29, 2007

Desperate Texts

OMG! I'm getting ready to start my period and it's making me bloated. I'm super fat again! I'm going to jump in front of a bus.

Jewels: Whatever you do, do not hurt yourself. Focus on how great you are going to look once all the bloating goes away.

I wouldn't really do death by bus. It's not a sure death. I could wind up crippled for life. I would do rat poison mixed with my favorite food.

Jewels: How do you know the rat poison would be effective. It could just make your hair fall out.

I would digest enough to be sure it would kill me. If I gain weight, I will buy mass quantities of it to make sure it works.

Jewels: Please don't do it. I need you. I couldn't survive without you.

Ok. I won't. I will just get gastric bypass surgery. Think I can find a doctor to do it? By the way, you looked super thin yesterday.

Jewels: You would not qualify for the surgery. We just have to keep doing what we've been doing. BTW, I don't look thin. I am huge. You looked great. I can tell you've lost a lot of weight.

My jeans are baggy in the thighs today. That's a good thing. You looked thin. I want to be you.

Jewels: Baggy jeans are a good sign. I wish I could lose as much weight as you. You're my hero.

No, you're my hero. Go to Target and buy the book Extreme Fat Smash Diet by Dr. Ian Smith. It will be our diet bible.

Jewels: I wouldn't be able to make it through Phase I. I am a weak loser.

We can just skip to the last phase. We don't have time for gradual weight loss!

Jewels: That's right. We want instant gratification!

Right! Who has time to lose weight the healthy way?

Jewels: Hell, you know I am far from doing the healthy thing. I wish that I could get so sick that I would be unable to eat.

Only the flu works that miracle.

Jewels: I always get the wrong illnesses.

Me too. I will forever be fatter than you.

Jewels: Don't say that! Regardless of how much either one of us weighs, I will never be satisfied with my body.

You need help.

Jewels: So do you!

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